More Than Money

With June fast approaching many of you may be hoping to snag a job during your summer vacation. Like the rest of us your main motivation for doing so is probably the cash.  But don’t short change yourself by making this the only thing you get out of your summer job.

What else is there? Whether you are mowing lawns, serving burgers, or waiting tables you can use even the lowest level job to hone your people skills and build a solid track record of self improvement that will serve you well throughout life. What areas should you work on? If you haven’t had a chance to read our last blogs about polishing your people meeting and communications skills that is a great first place to start.

Next don’t treat this job as entry level, one where you can do less than your best.  Instead of giving less, get in the habit of doing even more than is expected.  Doing this day in and day out, will help you build a habit that will move you head of the crowd throughout your work life.  After all there are plenty of people that are willing to give a boss 80 percent of their effort for 100 percent of their pay. But few that willingly give 110 percent for that same dollar.

So when you show up, make sure it is on time and you are ready to work. Know what is expected of you and do it. Don’t steal from your employer by finishing your makeup, checking your text messages, or gossiping with the other workers. Working below what you are paid to do, just like wasting time while on the clock, is the same as robbing the cash register. And if the work ethic you are building causes you to be hassled by your co-workers so be it. Continue being pleasant and professional to them but don’t buy into their lower standards.

Another habit you will want to develop is that of keeping your word. When you say that you will do something make sure that you follow through. Though being known as “dependable” may not sound flashy it is worth money in the bank. Why? Because this isn’t just your first job, it’s your first reference. For years to come your actions on this job will either help you or haunt you.  

Show up late, do only half your job, promise to finish a task but then don’t.  Your first employer won’t be the only employer to know about it. At least the next three or four will hear about what a lousy risk you are either verbally or through non-verbal clues. So view this summer’s job as paid training where you can build both excellent work habits and a good reference, both of which will help boost you up to the next rung on your ladder of success.

“My very, very first professional job was when I was 19 years old – I got a job doing an educational industrial film on Shell Motor Oil’s oil products. I really put my heart into it – I wrote a script for it, I did a lot of research.” Renny Harlin, Hollywood Producer/Director of major releases like 12 Rounds and Cleaner.

“Nobody can stop you but you. And shame on you if you’re the one who stops yourself.” Damon Wayans

Say What?

Our last blog talked about the importance of spending time with our friends and family face to face. But if you’ve gotten into the habit of communicating mainly via Facebook and texting, your conversation skills may be rusty at best or nonexistent at worst.

So what are some of the tips for polishing your conversational skills?  Everybody you meet is interested in something. All you have to do is find a subject they are enthusiastic about and you’ll be off and running. But how do you do that? Just like the folks on CSI you’ve got to pay attention to the clues. Meet a girl who wears a lot of jewelry? I bet she’d love to tell you about the new spring trends. While a guy sporting a T-shirt touting a home town band is bound to have something interesting to say about the local music scene.  And a grandmother, who has pictures of her family arranged on the piano, is going to love telling you the stories behind the faces in the frames.

And as you get these conversations started remember that one of the skills you want to practice is learning to ask what are known as “open ended” questions.  What’s that you ask? It is a question that requires more than a one word answer. For example, if I ask you what your favorite subject is, you can mumble a one word answer—math. And with that the conversation dies. But if I notice you are carrying an advanced calculus book and ask you about how you got interested in math chances are you will use more than one word to answer me.  So remember start your conversations with “how did you” “why did you” leading type questions to get the words flowing.

Another important skill you’ll want to polish was already touched on in our Uh… I Mean Hello Blog. That’s the skill of listening intently. There is nothing more disheartening when, as you talk, you see the other person’s eyes wander and their mind follow. By giving all of your attention to the other person you are saying in fact “what you are saying is both interesting and important to me”. You do this by using your body language to show that you are present in the conversation.  Good eye contact, smiling when appropriate, and nodding your head in agreement or understanding, are all good ways to indicate that you are paying attention. Just make sure that you don’t get carried away with the head nodding as this can end up making you look like a bobble head doll out of control.

What should you do once it’s your turn to talk? Another great way to confirm that you were paying attention is to start by repeating a little of what they said. For example, if they have just talked about how mortified they were to be called on in class you can move the conversation along by saying “you had to stand in front of the whole class and give an impromptu speech—what did you do?” Or if their story is finished saying something like; “oh I can only imagine how nervous you must have been to stand in front of the whole class like that. I remember when”…..and then launching into your own story.

And as you hold up your end of the conversation be sure that you are speaking neither too loudly or too softly for the circumstances. Women can have an especially difficult time with this. Growing up you may have found it charming to talk in a baby soft voice. Believe me, unless you are considering certain professions, most of which are illegal, talking in a whispery voice, so low you can’t be heard, will not be an asset as an adult.

Now that you know to find a topic the other person is enthusiastic about, ask open ended questions, give the other person your complete and full attention, and to speak loud enough to be heard, what else should you do? The number one tip I can give you is to be genuinely interested in the other person. No false flattery or shallow compliments allowed. I am lucky in this. I was born with a curious nature. Everyone I meet holds a new story for me to discover. True some are more exciting than others, but all interesting in their own way. Just think about the people in your life as you read this. I bet your mother has a great story about her first high school dance. Your best friend one about the first time she had a sleep over. Your grandparents about what they thought of each other the first time they met.  Each great yarn just waiting to be uncovered through the art of conversation.

Lettuce is like conversation; it must be fresh and crisp, so sparkling that you scarcely notice the bitter in it.
Charles Dudley Warner

  The great gift of conversation lies less in displaying it ourselves than in drawing it out of others. He who leaves your company pleased with himself and his own cleverness is perfectly well pleased with you.
Jean de la Bruyere

F2F (Face to Face)

One day when my dad was visiting he walked into my office just as I sent an email to one of my best friends whose house is just three down from mine. He thought that it was the dumbest thing he’d ever seen. “Why didn’t you just pick up the phone or run down and see her?” he asked. I explained, as patiently as possible to someone who didn’t even understand how to operate a basic cell phone let alone a computer, how much more convenient it was just to tap a few keys on my computer or cell phone and be done with it. With that he just shook his head in disgust and walked out.

And you know what, he was right. By not picking up the phone and benefiting from the sound of her laughter or running down to see her face light up when she saw me at the door, I cheated us both. Email, texting, Facebook, and tweets are a great way to keep up with the facts of your friend’s live. But they are a lousy way to build relationships and memories with them. And while my dad didn’t understand texting, email, or any of the rest of today’s impersonal technology he knew all about making and keeping friends.

As just a boy in grade school he found a set of buddies that stuck for life. For seventy plus years these guys helped each other over the rough spots of living whether it was the death of a spouse or the loss of a job. As retirees, they got together every week or so for breakfast or lunch just for the joy of spending time together. Through the years they laughed about the same childhood pranks a thousand times and cared about each other like brothers. These same guys visited him during chemo, stopped by to encourage him to eat toward the end, and would have willingly shouldered his casket even knowing the weight of it would have taken them to their knees. And though it’s been three years since his death, he still lives on vividly in their memories through the experiences they shared in real life

How did he build these wonderful relationships? He did it by looking at these guys face to face on a regular basis. He did it by sharing the sound of their laughter or by picking up on the inflection in their voices that they needed a strong shoulder or good joke. He did it by understanding something those of us who love the convenience of today’s technology have a tendency to forget. Letters flashing across a screen can tell you some facts and that’s all. To really know someone, to build a relationship, to make memories, you need to involve all of your senses. You need to hear their words, look into their eyes, and watch their body language.  You need to be able to hear their heart and show them yours. The cell phone or computer program that can do that hasn’t been invented yet.

So quit spending so much time tapping out BFFL to your friends and start being one in person F2F.

Uh… I Mean “Hello :)

Since we just finished learning about great ways to calm those nasty butterflies now is the perfect time to talk about one of life’s most nerve racking situations—meeting new people. Did just reading those last three words make your palms break out in a sweat? If so get ready to discover some neat tips to help you conquer one of life’s most important skills.

Meeting someone new causes those butterflies to start fluttering in our stomachs because we focus on ourselves. As we see an unfamiliar face approach all kinds of thoughts fly through our head- gee he’s cute-now what was my name again; she’s always so fashionable-oh why did I have to wear this ratty outfit today of all days.  And on and on it goes in our head—the me-me-me song about all the reasons this new person won’t like me.

But remember what we talked about in our Butterfly Blog, that you can only hold one thought in your head at any one time. So instead of allowing “me” thoughts to scramble through your brain I want you to replace them with thoughts about this new person. What can you learn from her? What is he interested in?  What is her favorite class? By focusing your interest on him or her you will forget about yourself and go a long way to making a new friend. Why? Because one of the basic facts of human nature is that we all like people who like us. So if you show a genuine interest in this new person they will naturally relax, remember chances are they are nervous too, and feel comfortable talking about their favorite subject—themselves.

And one of the side benefits of learning to listen more than you talk is that everyone you meet knows something you don’t. After all if the words you hear the most in the conversation are your own, you already know that stuff don’t you? But if you let the other person do more than their fair share of the talking while you listen you are bound to pick up some new information or a new way of looking at an issue that you hadn’t considered before.

So now that you’ve broken the ice by getting this new acquaintance to talk about themselves and their interest, the next skill you are going to practice doesn’t require you to say a thing. Just remember to smile and look the other person in the eyes. A smile naturally sends a friendly signal and good eye contact helps you connect with the other person. After all they say the “eyes are the windows to the soul” for a reason!

But if in the past your people skills have consisted of biting your bottom lip and staring at the tops of your shoes what I’m asking you to do may seem all but impossible. But with a little practice these two skills are pretty easy to pick up. After all you probably already do them with your friends and family. So just transfer this ability, which you already have with people you know to people you don’t by picking out one or two folks a day who appear friendly and smile and look them in the eyes as you pass them in the hallway. Next week choose three or four a day and pretty soon you will find that smiling and having good eye contact are second nature.

So now that you can meet a new person, smile as they approach, look them in the eyes while asking them questions about themselves or their interests, what’s next?  You need to remember their name and use it in the conversation. Since this has always been a weak point for me, I’ve had to learn number one to pay more attention when they say their name as opposed to letting my mind jump to what I’m going to say next. Second the more I use their name during our conversation the better chance I have of it sticking in my head. Also I’ve found that saying their name as we part company in the context of “Alfonso it was so good to meet you” can go a long way to helping me recover their name from my memory bank when I need it again. My third trick for remembering names is that as soon as possible after they walk way, I write it down or, if that’s not possible, repeat it in my mind several times along with some facts I’ve learned about them.  

Why go to all this trouble to polish your people skills? You will find that, as you transition to the world of adulthood, you are competing against many folks with your same technical skills or knowledge base. What can set you apart from the rest of the herd quicker than anything is your ability to connect with the people you come into contact with both professionally and personally. 

 “Every time you smile at someone, it is an action of love, a gift to that person, a beautiful thing.”
Mother Teresa

Butterflies

Now we all know that butterflies don’t actually land in your stomach when you’re nervous. But if you’ve ever been asked to entertain an audience, had to speak in front of your class, or suffered through a job interview you’ll swear that you could feel their tiny wings fluttering against your stomach lining.

The good news is this doesn’t have to be a reoccurring experience. By following just a few simple steps you can learn to tame your fluttery nerves. One of the greatest pieces of advice I ever got about handling nerves, and life in general, came from Dale Carnegie’s book   How to Stop Worrying and Start Living. In it he recommends that any time you are nervous or worried you take three steps. First figure out what is the worst that can happen. Second accept that. And then third work to improve upon this worse-case scenario.

So let’s pretend that you are getting ready to give a speech in front of your entire class. You are so nervous the night before you can hardly sleep. But instead of laying there, eyes wild and sheets twisted, you start working through these three steps. First ask yourself what’s the worst that can happen. The teacher could give you an F. But he isn’t going to shoot you, throw you out of the auditorium window, or sponsor a huge billboard with your picture and the word “loser” tattooed across your forehead. So step two is an F is as bad as it gets. Not great but not the end of the world as we know it either.

Now on to step three–how can you improve on that?  The good news is that improving on an F can’t be all that hard. Showing up should about do it. But just in case that’s not enough, help keep your nerves under control by remembering that your mind can only hold one thought at a time. So instead of letting it run wild with worry, keep it busy by filling it with images of you standing in front of your audience, confident and comfortable. Picture your friends sitting in front of you smiling and nodding, interested in what you have to say to them.  Visualize yourself giving your speech right down to every word, inflection, and gesture.

And don’t just do this once but over and over until it feels as natural as breathing. This type of repetitive practice has been used for years by great athletes like Jen Toomey, elite runner and recipient of the Tufts’ 2008 Distinguished Achievement Award. As quoted in the Tufts University E News, 10/02/08 articles she said, “By the time I get to the race, I’ve actually rehearsed it so many times [in my mind] that I just go into a routine without really trying to think too much.” It works for her and it will work for you.

What else can you do? Remember that just like every other skill you’ve gained in your life, whether it was driving a car or learning algebra, to be proficient took practice and patience. The first time you try keeping your mind busy by focusing on positive thoughts and visualization you may manage to reduce your nerves by only 25 or 30 percent. But each time you practice this you will get better and your nerves will lessen. Interestingly you never want to hit zero. Any performer will tell you that you need a little bit of nervousness to be jazzed and do your best. Otherwise you can come off flat.

 “I get nervous when I don’t get nervous. If I’m nervous I know I’m going to have a good show.” Beyonce

“The more prepared I am, the more I’ll be in control, less nervous, less stressed and more focused.” Marilu Henner

Quit Copycatting

I don’t know about where you live but we have struggled through a much colder and harder winter than normal. Longing for warmer weather I caught myself smiling as I walked through our mall and caught sight of some of the new fashions for spring. Just seeing vivid colors and lighter fabrics brightened my mood by at least 50 degrees.

With the new styles hitting all the stores you too may be tempted to browse the clothes racks and pick out a few items. And what should you go shopping for to update your wardrobe for 2010?  In general bright colors, denim, and abstract prints are all targeted to be strong.  Sporty, romantic, and military styles will be reflected in trims, ruffles, fabrics and styles. The Boyfriend oversized blazer is back which looks great with the still wearable skinny jeans. For something new and fun try on a pair of slouchy pants with a little more room in the hips which will be flattering to most figure types. Softer flowing silhouettes with ruffles along with scarves draped in creative ways will add a fun feminine element to this spring.  And if a new purse is in your future check out the large messenger styles that will be worn as cross body bags.

Now when shopping for clothes the easy thing to do is to study the store mannequins or the more trendy girls in your school and copy them. But what’s the fun in that? Why not instead come up with your own unique interpretation of the looks being offered?  Seem too scary? Never fear—Grandma’s here:)  First take a second and think about what you have in your closet right now that you love and feel great in. Lay two or three of these pieces out and study what they have in common. Do you love them because of the way they fit? The color? The sense of style or fun? 

Now take out two or three outfits that you never ever wear? What about them makes you feel less than your best when you have them on? Too tight? Unflattering color? Just plain ugly?  Unless you just have to to stay clothed—do NOT put these items back in your closet but instead either donate them or share with a friend that will get some actual use out of them. Next write down what you’ve learned through this exercise. Take these notes with you when shopping to help you choose items in the love-it category and steer clear of never- again looks. Also when shopping spend more money on classic items, for example a white boyfriend button down shirt, and less money on more trendy items, a Picasso style abstract print vest, which will be in style for one or two seasons at most.

Now that you’ve got some new goodies to wear, how do you take and make this spring’s looks your very own? If the trend in your area is to wear a plain dark boyfriend jacket, light skinny jeans, and a soft scarf draped around but you prefer jewelry and bright colors, switch it up a little by wearing a bright red jacket, dark black jeans, and a big chunky strand of black beads. Or try a ruffled shirt, boyfriend vest, and slouchy pants. Before walking out the door, finish every outfit off with a healthy splash of confidence and you’ll look great no matter what. Above all have fun! They are only clothes after all and the worst that can happen is that you feel ridiculous for a day. But then again—maybe you’ll find a look that makes you smile.

“Accent your positive and delete your negative.”  Designer Donna Karan

“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.” Ralph Waldo Emerson

The Price You’ll Pay

I’d love to sit here and tell you that I’ve lived a blameless life. But that would be a lie. And though I may be many things a liar is not one of them.

So being a truth teller requires me to look back on my life with honest eyes. In doing so I wish I had known that the things that I did that were wrong, not just stupid or thoughtless, but that fall way beyond any shade of gray, would stick in my mind like peanut butter. I wish before making those decisions that now haunt me I would have taken a second and thought about how my actions would be burned forever into my memory.

But I didn’t. And now, though many of those choices are decades old, they have not faded. My selfish willingness to ignore what I knew was right because wrong felt better at the time still echoes in my head. And though wrong choices are still an option, I now know the price I’d pay for making them. The pleasure fleeting. The regret eternal. 

At your age, you still have the advantage of a pretty clean slate.  Do yourself a favor and learn from my experience. As temptation dogs you, take a second to view your options before you choose. Stop and ask yourself if the memory you are about to make is one that you will want to relive or long to erase-forever stuck in your mind.  Because even though you may get lucky & escape the consequences of your actions, you won’t out run the memory of what you wish you hadn’t done.

“Memory is man’s greatest friend and worst enemy.”
Gilbert Parker

“ People assume I’m out there having this great life, but money doesn’t erase the pain. When you’re young you barrel through life, making choices without thinking of repercussions. A few years down the line, you wake up in a certain place and wonder how the h*ll you got there.”
Jennifer Lopez

Thanks A Lot

There is just something about human nature that makes us want to stand out. These days some of us choose to do this by tattooing our forearms or piercing our eyebrows. And it’s true that these cries to be noticed will definitely have both an immediate and long lasting effect. But there is a far easier and less painful way to move away from the rest of the herd.

What is this magical skill that will boost you above the crowd? It’s as simple as picking up the phone and saying thank you. It’s as easy as jotting a quick note telling someone that they matter. It’s as effortless as smiling at the clerk who is scanning your purchase and brightening his day with a kind comment. All behaviors which cost little yet pay off big for both you the giver and the receiver.

And yes I know that talking about manners like these make me sound like a dinosaur, all old fashioned and out of touch. But it’s exactly because this type of behavior has fallen out of style that makes it so effective. Back in the days when everyone wrote thank you notes yours would have been just one of many. While in this day and age a hand written thank you note is likely to be so rare it is framed or at the very least kept for years.

Why? Because though they crave it, people no longer expect to be treated as if they or their actions are valued.  When you go to the effort to notice them either in writing, or in person, your thoughtfulness will be both noted and remembered.  Think of it as storing up coins in a bank. Each time you go out of your way to let someone know that what they did or do makes a difference in your life you are storing up good will. And if you try it you will find that just the act of showing someone else an unexpected kindness or appreciation will make you feel better too.  So it really is one of life’s few win/win propositions. 

Don’t believe me—then I challenge you to try it. Over this next week write one thank you note and make one phone call expressing your appreciation. If doing so doesn’t boost the folks you contact along with your own spirits I’ll eat my…hum… next thank you note :)

  “There is more hunger for love and appreciation in this world than for bread.” Mother Teresa

 “The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.”  William James

Heartbreak Hotel

I’ve got a couple of friends that met in high school, married and are still happily together after forty plus years. Grateful as they are, even they realize that their story is the exception. If you are like the rest of us you will spend at least a few times booked, at least mentally, into Elvis Presley’s famous Heartbreak Hotel.

So since not every relationship last how can you best handle those that fail? First just accepting that the hurt you feel is a common experience can help. Look around you and you will see that, contrary to what TV shows, movies, or books might say, people do actually recover from the pain and move on with their lives. The trick to doing this effectively is to stop wallowing in your pain and loss and instead start learning. How?

During those first few days after a break up, you’ll be tempted to obsess over what went wrong, replaying each date, each minute, each conversation over and over and over in your head. Instead grab a pencil and paper and make a list of what you liked about the person and relationship and what you didn’t (now come on-be honest, no matter how perfect there are always at least a couple of things about the other person that bugged you).

Next write down a list of the things you would do differently if you could hop into a time machine and zoom back to your past. Would you have done a better job communicating? Paid more attention to the other person’s likes and dislikes? Been more flexible in how you spent your time together? Stood up for yourself more so that you were treated as an equal partner from the very beginning? Or chosen someone in the first place who was a better match? Just this act of putting pen to paper will help you step back from your heartache a little so that you can see the relationship more clearly and accept both yours and his or her part in its failure.

Then as time goes by and you ache a little less, keep adding to these notes as additional insight about the relationship pops into your head. Even if you swear to never date again, still review your notes from time to time. Use them as you would a study guide to figure out what went wrong and how you can steer clear of these problems in the future. As you begin to date again, look at it too as a learning experience. As your new relationship develops practice what you learned from the last one. This attitude will help you build a set of skills that will serve you well in all relationships, not just those of a romantic nature.

Sound like work? In truth it is. Just like everything else you’ve learn to do, whether it is playing the piano, learning ballet, or playing soccer, you are better at it now than when you first started. And you are better not by luck but by study and practice. When you first sat down at the piano you did not play Chopin. As you hit one clunker of a note after another, you didn’t stop but just kept on till you were good. Figuring out how to choose the right person and be the right person takes the same kind of study and effort.

But the payoff is huge. Because viewing every relationship as a chance to learn and improve your skills, means you’ll eventually be able to cancel your suite at the Heartbreak Hotel.

When I Grow Up

As a little kid you were probably asked by adults what you wanted to be when you grew up. If you were like most of us, your answers varied from super hero one day to ballerina the next. Back then it didn’t matter what you said or dreamed of being because you had lots of time to make up your mind. But as you head into 2010, with adulthood not all that far off, this may no longer seem the case.

As a kid your imagination guided you based not on what would make the most suitable career but on what seemed the most fun, let you wear the prettiest costume, or walk in the shoes of your favorite super hero or heroine. You weren’t the least bit worried about salaries, work hours, or promotion possibilities. It was all about having fun!

And guess what—you were on the absolute right track for picking a career. Now this may not be what your high school career counselor will tell you, or your parents, or even your friends. They may try to nudge you into a field that pays great, has a bright long term outlook, and offers the possibility of promotions. If this field happens to fit something you love and feel passionate about great. If not, keep looking. Why?

Because if you don’t really like what you do, you’ll never be very good at it, no matter how hard you try. For example, I’ve got a friend who is a CPA and she’s a good one; loves numbers, setting up spread sheets, and keeping up on the new tax laws. I too could have chosen to be a CPA as it is a fine profession with lots of potential but just typing this description of what she does makes my eyes glaze over.  No matter how hard I tried I’d only be an average CPA at best because it doesn’t spark my interest. Just try picturing Bill Gates as a fashion designer or Lady Gaga teaching first graders in a parochial school. Doesn’t work, does it!

And just like them, God has blessed you with a certain set of talents. As you spend these next few years of your life in school, start honing these natural abilities and interests in a way that allows you to end up with a career that will both support you and make you happy. 

Don’t aim for success if you want it; just do what you love and believe in, and it will come naturally.
David Frost

 I honestly think it is better to be a failure at something you love than to be a success at something you hate.
George Burns