Why Be Everybody’s Grandma?

My grandmother was a simple woman with a good heart and wise ways. She grew up poor so what she learned, she learned the hard way. Not through books or school classes but from living and doing. Even as an adult I depended on her for no-nonsense advice.

Now that it’s my turn to be the grandmother, I can see even clearer how important her guidance was.  And I take my responsibility as elder to my five wonderful grandchildren very seriously. They know they can come to me with anything, trust me to keep their secrets, and if I don’t know the answer, we’ll find it.

But what happens to those kids that don’t have a trusted grandmother to go to?  Well my eldest granddaughter, Emily, and I decided that we would set up Everybody’s Grandma so that they too could have a safe place to go for good advice.

So feel free to use the comments section to ask a question or bring up a topic that you would like to see us address in our future blogs.

Merry Christmas

Have you caught the excitement of Christmas yet? If you are like most of us you’ve already spread your wish list as far and wide as possible. Dropping outrageous hints or actual list to all those you hope will be interested in adding to your stash of goodies under the tree. Hopefully at this stage you are also mature enough to have done some gift buying yourself, having made the transition from just taker to also giver. Christmas is full of fun, frenzy and family to be sure. And of all our holidays it may be the oddest.

Why?  Because it is a major religious holiday that folks celebrate even when they don’t believe. After all, if you are not Jewish you probably don’t celebrate Hanukkah. If you are not a Buddhist you don’t participate in Wesak. While non-followers of Islam don’t commemorate Ramadan or those who know nothing of Hinduism mark the festival of Diwali.  Yet people who scoff at Christianity whoop it up on Christmas and no one seems to find that strange. 

Now I’m not begrudging anyone family time, happiness, or gifts. But as a Christian it does make me sad that the reality of Jesus’ birth is so over shadowed by the myth of Santa Claus. If you are growing up in a non-believing home as I did, you are old enough now to investigate for yourself the real reason for Christmas. A good place to start is in the New Testament in the Gospel of Luke (http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Luke+1&version=NIV). Luke was a Greek doctor and both his background and training made him a person who paid strict attention to details and facts.

From personal experience I can assure you that though the gifts that Santa will bring you may be great, the many gifts Jesus Christ makes available to you, if you accept Him as your savior, are priceless.

 Merry Christmas and all Blessings to you and your family!

 “ ⁸ And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night. ⁹ An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. ¹⁰ But the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid. I bring you good news that will cause great joy for all the people.” Luke 2:8-10 NIV

“I don’t think Christmas is necessarily about things. It’s about being good to one another, it’s about the Christian ethic, it’s about kindness.” Carrie Fisher, actress, author

One More Thing To Be Thankful For

When you think of Thanksgiving what first pops into your mind?  The joy of no school and a long weekend. An excuse to stuff yourself silly. The day after filled with bargain hunting at dawn. Or a chance to spend time with grandparents, aunts and uncles, and cousins. 

While the days off from school, great food, and shopping are all fun the memories of those events are usually fleeting. After all who really remembers what they bought three years ago at Target at 6:00am. What really sticks with us, when we look back on the holidays of our past, are the people that populate the memories.

Because of this I would like to challenge you to make this an extra special Thanksgiving by taking a step toward adulthood in two ways. First, now that you are older, instead of leaving the work and planning up to the adults, offer to do your share. Sure to some this may look like a right before Christmas ploy for better “I was a good kid” gifts. But you will know that you are doing it for another reason entirely. What reason is that?

Helping out will give you a chance to get to know your family members on a different level. As you spend time with your grandmother setting the table, your uncle unloading the luggage from the car, or  your mom whipping up the mashed potatoes, start getting to know them as people not just the roles they play in your life now. Not sure what that means?

Let me give you an example. My father’s mother and I were not close; actually that is a huge understatement. She did not like me much and I returned the favor. But now I realize that if you threw away the titles of grandmother and granddaughter, we would have had a lot in common.  So what if she was not the loving grandmother I wanted and I was not the obedient grandchild she had hoped for. If we had just looked beyond who we thought the other person was supposed to be we would have realized that we shared a love of antique shopping and bargain hunting and could have had a lot of fun together.

But I threw that chance away because I was unwilling to get to know her as a person. Luckily I learned. Because of that I got to ride along with my grandfather’s memories as he described traveling in a covered wagon to Oklahoma twice as a kid. I got to imagine the sting of the ball hitting my glove as my dad relived the thrill of pitching for the New York Yankees farm team. And I saw my mother’s father through the eyes of love as my grandmother recalled what a snappy dresser he was as a young man. Yep that’s right- the very same grandfather that I never saw in anything but overalls.

So this Thanksgiving, as you look around the table, take the time to really get to know the people sitting there. Forget roles and titles, past hurts or expectations, and be thankful for this chance to hear their stories and become friends as well as relatives.

“I wish my mother had left me something about how she felt growing up. I wish my grandmother had done the same. I wanted my girls to know me.” Carol Burnett 

“I am convinced that material things can contribute a lot to making one’s life pleasant, but, basically, if you do not have very good friends and relatives who matter to you, life will be really empty and sad and material things cease to be important. “ David Rockefeller

Make Your Own Luck

It is real easy for us to look at successful people and gripe that they were just lucky. That except for X, Y, and Z we could have been where they are. And sometimes we are right—they were born in to the right family, fell into a brilliant idea, or won the lottery.

But more often than not, they are where they are because they worked for it. So if you ever catch yourself grumbling about somebody’s luck stop yourself. Instead take the time to learn about them and from them. Put what you learn into practice and work toward joining them. 

Here are some names to use for your Making My Own Luck research: Sam Walton, Madonna, Mark Zuckerber, Jeff Bezos, Guy Fieri, Katy Perry, Vera Bradley Designs, and Paula Deen.  As you work toward your goals, keep their stories and others like them in mind, reviewing them when necessary to fire yourself up. And accept right now that grumbling about luck never makes any.

“Luck? I don’t know anything about luck. I’ve never banked on it and I’m afraid of people who do. Luck to me is something else: Hard work – and realizing what is opportunity and what isn’t.” Lucille Ball

“Think of something that would be “wonderful” if it were only “possible.” Then set out to make it possible.” Armand Hammer

“DO is the critical word.” Peter F. Drucker

Leader of the Pack

If you’ve ever lived with a dog you know that they are pack animals. This means that like most people, they are much happier in a group than alone. And also like humans, not only do dogs long for companionship they also need a leader. In dog speak this leader is known as the Alpha dog.  

Put a bunch of puppies in a room and it won’t be long before you start seeing which dogs are submissive by nature and which want to take on the Alpha dog role.  This too is true of people. Some are natural born followers and others are meant to lead, comfortable shouldering responsibility and issuing orders. 

The good news is that both followers and leaders are needed. The world couldn’t operate if everyone sat around waiting for direction.  On the opposite extreme things would also grind to a halt if no one could hear what was going on because everyone was shouting orders that the rest were unwilling to follow. So it doesn’t make any difference which you are. What does make a difference is which leader you choose to follow or which path you choose to take your followers down. 

If you are a follower by nature, that does not absolve you of the responsibility of making wise choices. If you are more the leader type you shoulder the responsibility of making sure that every decision is in the best interest of those you hold sway over.  And don’t be surprised to note that in some circumstances you find yourself switching roles. At home you may be a leader to your younger brothers or sisters while at school you may be more of a follower among your friends. 

Either way, never lose sight of the fact that you and your actions can play an important positive role in the lives of those around you. If you are a natural born follower and see that someone is pushing your friends down the wrong path, even though it forces you to step outside your comfort zone, you need to take action. Depending on the circumstances, your firm unwillingness to go along might just be enough. Or it may take talking to a trusted adult, rallying your other friends to strengthen your cause, or bringing in someone in authority to handle the situation. 

If you are in a leadership position your best chance of being a good influence is to guide by example.  Want your friends to learn honesty? Then don’t lie. Want to encourage good grades? Then study twice as hard and set the bar high.  And as a leader one of the greatest gifts you can give those around you is to help them believe in themselves by showing them that you already do.

Throughout your life, as either the Alpha dog or part of the pack, when given the chance to make a difference in the lives of the people around you, decide right now that you will always be a beacon of light shining on the right path. You’ll never regret it.

 “I think anytime you can affect people in general, in a positive way, then you’re a lucky individual.” Sam Elliot

“Think twice before you speak, because your words and influence will plant the seed of either success or failure in the mind of another.” Napoleon Hill

 “There is no power on earth that can neutralize the influence of a high, simple and useful life.” Booker T. Washington

 

Transforming

Unless you’ve been living in a cave for a few years you’ve heard of the Transformers craze. When you were younger, you may have even played with one of the toys or seen a movie or two with them featured as the main characters. And even if you are not a fan you have to admit that the idea of appearing to be a mild mannered truck with the hidden ability to turn into fearsome Optimus Prime, complete with light-up eyes and swords, is appealing.

The cool thing is, though you’ve probably never thought of it, you do the very same thing. You doubt me? OK just try to convince me that you behave the exact same way around your parents, your grandparents and your best friends.  Of course you don’t! Instead just like Optimus Prime you transform to fit the situation. For example, you show a side of yourself to your friends that your grandparents will probably never see. And when you start feeling sick you instantly transform from self-sufficient-teen into Mama’s little girl or boy.  

This ability to transform to meet the current setting that you find yourself in will continue throughout your life.  And there is nothing wrong with that as long as you make sure that your core values are visible and viable in each of your transformations.  If you decide instead to try to appear to be a preppy angel while with your grandparents and then transform into a mega wild child with your friends eventually something is going to give. Either you will be found out or the stress of having two such conflicting separate lives will bring you down.  

So as you transform from one group or situation to another use Optimus Prime as your role model. Keeping in mind that he had the same values and beliefs whether he was wandering around as a truck or going to battle.  And this is what you want to shoot for.  Your dress, manners, and words may transform. But who you are inside should stay constant.

 “Be more concerned with your character than your reputation, because your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are.” John Wooden

 “Whenever you do a thing, act as if all the world were watching.” Thomas Jefferson

You Make Me Gag

Have you ever had to be around someone you couldn’t stand? Like a teacher, a relative, or maybe even your kid sister? Well once upon a time, while I was out of town, a woman was hired to be my assistant (last time that happened I can assure you). 

At first meeting I knew we were in trouble.  I found her behavior irritating and her appearance appalling. As I tried to train her, her thought process, or lack thereof, made me want to tug on some hair—hers or mine—it didn’t matter.  Her voice, her thoughts, her clothes, her stories, every single thing that made her who she was rubbed me raw. 

This downward spiral of dislike became so bone deep I actually thought about quitting a job I desperately needed just to escape her presence. Finally after months of being subjected to my less than cordial leadership, twitching eyelid and all, she finally got the hint and quit. Oh happy day! Except for one thing. After she left I realized that I had cheated us both.  Though I would not want to go back in time and hook up with her again, I am grateful to this day for the lesson she taught me. 

What was it? Instead of allowing my dislike for her to bloom and grow into jungle sized proportions, I should have used our relationship to figure out how to effectively relate to people I don’t care for.  When you have to be around someone you don’t like, and believe me sometime in life it will happen, you get to choose what you focus on. And this is where I made my mistake. 

How different would our relationship have been if I had spent time searching for anything I liked about her rather than mentally highlighting everything I couldn’t stand? What would the results have been if I had asked the story behind the leopard faux fur coat she proudly wore every day rather than looking down my nose at it? Would it have changed my mind, and therefore how I felt about her, if I had known it was a gift from someone she loved? The only coat she could afford at the time she bought it?  Or left to her by her favorite grandmother? Where she was concerned, it was too late for me to know.  All I could do was try not to make that mistake again. 

So in her honor whenever I meet someone I don’t particularly fancy, I start looking for at least one thing I can like about them. Do they love their pets? Willingly give their time to a good cause? Have shoes on that match?  Yes I’ve gotten that desperate:)  And then once I find that one thing I start building on it till I’ve got a whole passel of good qualities I can concentrate on. This doesn’t mean they become my best friend. But at least I can spend time with them without so much as a single eye roll. 

 “I don’t like that man. I must get to know him better”.  Abraham Lincoln 

“Getting people to like you is merely the other side of liking them”.  Norman Vincent Peale

Bad Habits

Have you ever tried to break a bad habit? Not easy is it! We’ve all seen those celebrity spokespeople touting the benefits of one diet system or another. And watched their series of TV ads admiringly as the pounds dropped off like magic till they were slim again. Then just a short time later spotted their girth on the cover of a tabloid; the front page barely big enough to display it all. 

“Now if they can’t break a bad habit, with their ability to hire chefs, personal trainers, and food coaches” you say to yourself “what chance do I have”?  Which makes an important point; the easiest way to break a bad habit is to never start it in the first place. One of my best friends smoked for years. Even though she quit ages ago she still remembers what a struggle it was. I, on the other hand, never smoked which allowed me to avoid that particular fight.  So before you pick up any new habit, ask yourself if it is something you will likely regret down the road. And if there is even a hint of a yes in your mind, stop before you even start! 

But what if you already have a bad habit you want to break, how should you go about it? First don’t pussy foot into it. Don’t tell yourself that I’ll quit being a couch potato, gossiper, or food abuser tomorrow, next week, or after the first of the year. Decide to stop right now!  Next don’t even think in terms of breaking the bad habit. Instead find a good habit to take its place. 

If the bad habit you’d like to rid yourself of is sitting on the couch every night, listlessly watching TV, volunteering at the local Boys & Girls Club three nights a week will get you off the sofa and out of the house. If food is your weakness, post a sign on the fridge that says, “Walk or run in place for fifteen minutes before opening.”  And then do it! If you catch yourself whining several times a day, “I’m bored” as if it is someone else’s responsibility to entertain you, stop letting your mind float. And instead start engaging it by filling it with new information. Hop on the internet or head to the library and learn about what teens did in the 1800s for fun, how Thomas Edison came up with so many inventions, or what people eat as their main diet in India.  Doesn’t make any difference what area you explore as long as you do something. 

And that’s the key—you have to take action. Removing a bad habit from your life isn’t about wishing, hoping, or dreaming. As with most things in life it is all about the doing.  You cannot be bored and filling your mind with interesting facts at the same time. You can’t be sitting on the couch like a toad and also volunteering at a kid’s basketball game. You can’t be mindlessly stuffing your face and also doing yoga.  

This brings us to our second point. Besides taking action, breaking a bad habit takes one more thing—self discipline. Up to this point, your parents may have played the biggest role in keeping you in line starting with time-outs during your terrible twos and moving on to curfews as you became a pre-teen. But now it’s time for you to step up to the plate and learn to control your own actions. 

If I had to describe self discipline I’d say it is the ability to make yourself do what you know is right even when everything in you says “I don’t want to.”  Learning to make yourself do this is a skill you have to acquire just like any other. There isn’t any magic. You just have to practice, practice, practice until self discipline and your new good habit become second nature. Keep in mind that studies have shown that it takes approximately twenty one days for any new behavior or thought process to take hold so don’t get discouraged.  Just keep at it. And remember–practicing self discipline, while replacing a bad habit with a good one, is a win-win if there ever was one. 

 “Good habits formed at youth make all the difference”.  Aristotle

“Dreams are what get you started. Discipline is what keeps you going.” Jim Ryun

Skeletons Set Free

World War II British Prime Minister Winston Churchill was quoted as saying “Those that fail to learn from history, are doomed to repeat it.”  Though he was referring to a country’s past the same can be said for a family’s history. 

I grew up hearing about how my father’s older brothers would come home drunk night after night and catch his mattress on fire with their cigarettes. And about my mother having to sneak out before day break to throw her father’s empty liquor bottles scattered in the front yard into a ravine so that her family would not be shamed any more than they already were. And the stories of alcoholism didn’t end there.  If I were to draw my extended family tree many of the branches would be shattered from the weight of the kegs they carried. 

My parents relayed these stories, not only because they were part of their history. But also in an effort to instill in me their fear of the power of a substance that once tasted by so many of our kin never let them go.  Granted growing up I grew tired of hearing these lectures and figured that my folks were being overly dramatic and as we said back then “seriously un-cool”.

But now, after having seen up close and personal the devastation caused by alcohol and drugs, I am grateful they didn’t try to hide these family skeletons out of pride. Painful as it must have been to relive these stories, they willingly exposed our family secrets to the light. So that I would know that either my genes or shared personal traits meant I might be more vulnerable than most.  Having this knowledge helped me make better decisions, fully aware of the risk I took if I decided to indulge. 

Now if your family has not been as open in sharing their history, I am not recommending that you head into the living room tonight and start grilling them. But as you hear family stories you are old enough now to start paying attention. Does Uncle Sam hit the bottle daily? Has Aunt Sally had breast cancer? Did Grandma Bertie have diabetes?  Just because you have a relative that does or did struggle with these issues and or diseases doesn’t mean that you will. But knowing they are part of your family history can make you aware that you need to be more vigilant about how much sugar you eat, starting a mammogram schedule at the appropriate age, or staying away from booze. 

And don’t let anything you learn, no matter how awful, scare you; as family history does not doom you to repeat the failures of the past. In fact, that is one of the things I am the proudest of about my parents. They did not use the situation that surrounded them as an excuse for failure but as a motivator. Through hard work and determination they dug their way out of the mire they were raised in. And in doing so insured that growing up my sister and I would have chances within our reach that our parents could only dream of.  They made a conscious choice to be better than what they came from and no matter what you may learn about your gene pool, you can do the same. So if you ever find yourself tempted to use your family’s past as an excuse for your behavior, stop. And remind yourself that the choice of which path you pick to follow in life is totally your own! 

 “Knowledge is power”, as Francis Bacon said. So if your family has any skeletons dancing around in their history, start trying to set them free. Who knows, you might even be pleasantly surprised at what you learn. I not only come from a long line of drunks but also a shady professional gambler and supposedly, per family lore, George Washington’s only sister. So there:)

 “There’s a lot of skeletons in my closet, but I know what they’re wearing. I’m not gonna act all ashamed of it.”  Naomi Watts, Actress

“But I’ll tell you something: We had a big family discussion about it recently, my two sisters and I, and I pointed out that we all have the same genes as our mother and we’re all susceptible to becoming alcoholics.” Payne Stewart, Professional Golfer

Rare

When I looked up the word rare in the dictionary on my phone I found that one of the definitions is “especially valued for its uncommonness”.  What comes to mind when you think of the word rare? Diamonds, billionaires, jeans that fit, a good hair day  🙂

Though your list probably differs from mine I bet neither of us thought of adding the word “me”. And we need to change that. Because of all the things we can think of, each and every one of us is the rarest thing on earth. There never has been and never will be another you. Even if you have an identical twin, though you may look alike, you do not think exactly like your other half and therefore are unique.

How different would your life be if instead of greeting every morning thinking of all the things you aren’t satisfied with about yourself you looked into the mirror and said instead, “How wonderful is that woman looking back at me, how rare she is, how unique, how priceless!”

Would starting your day off this way cause you to hold your head a little higher? Be willing to tackle something you didn’t have the confidence to do before? Be kinder to others because you were kinder to yourself? 

 Let’s find out.

“You are here for a purpose. There is not a duplicate of you in the whole wide world; there never has been, there never will be. You were brought here now to fill a certain need. Take time to consider what it might be.” Lou Austin

A Few Dollars More

Another great lesson you can learn on your first job is the art of managing your money. Finding a balance between saving and spending is a lesson some people never manage to learn. And in most instances this means they live their lives careening from one financial disaster to the next. Their days filled with fights about money and their nights sleepless with anxiety. 

So how do you prevent such drama? First be aware that when you receive your first check the amount on the bottom line may be much less than you expected. Before you see a dime, taxes, social security, and any benefits you pay for like health insurance will be deducted. But the good news is that what is left is all yours to do with what you choose. 

But before you hit the malls, it’s a good idea to stop by one of your local banks, after doing some research to see who offers the lowest fees, highest interest, and easy online access, to open both a checking account and a savings account. Don’t let the idea of walking into a bank intimate you. They are eager to open new accounts and once the original paperwork is done most of what you do is easily done online. Once these accounts are open ask your employer if they offer direct deposits. This will allow your pay check to go directly into your checking account without the risk of a paper check being either lost or stolen. Once you complete any necessary paperwork to make this happen, check back with your bank to see if it is possible to have a certain amount of each check that is deposited into your checking account switched automatically to your savings account.  Boring! You are right—saving money is notoriously boring but that doesn’t make it any less important.

One of the tips that people who successfully manage their money will tell you is that you always pay yourself first! How you say? Well you pay yourself first by putting a set percentage of everything you earn into an account that pays interest. Learning early to pay yourself first will mean that, while everyone else is frittering away their dough on stuff they won’t even remember or like a month from now, you will be gathering money for both neat future high dollar purchases and to cover any emergency that may (and believe me will) come up in life.

And by paying yourself first you remove the temptation of spending money that you intended to save for car insurance, a needed car tune-up, or college. As they say, out of sight out of mind. If the money is swept right out of your bank account into your savings account you are much less likely to miss it than if you have to make a conscious choice every pay check how much you are going to save, if any. 

“Oh I’m not going to worry about saving money” I hear some of you saying—“I’ll just hit up Mom, Dad, Grandma, or my credit card if I run short.” Well good luck with that. All you have to do is watch the news about all the foreclosures and bankruptcies to see that a “spend today and worry about it tomorrow” philosophy doesn’t work out well in the long run.   No matter how generous your family is with their wallets or how high your credit card limit is eventually you run out of OPM (other people’s money) and have to stand on your own two feet. 

Decide now that you are not going to join in the quest to buy things you can’t afford with money you don’t have.  Spend less than you have. Save a percentage every month.  Realize early in life that, though money can’t buy happiness, the foolish use of it can sure buy misery while the wise use of it guarantees a certain amount of freedom.

 “I save money when I’m working so that I never have to take a role simply to pay the bills.” Gary Sinise

“If saving money is wrong, I don’t want to be right!” William Shatner